Do you speak and no one listens?
When things are going well in the workplace we rarely consider the language we use to communicate. However, there are times when we need to get a message across or find clarity in a situation and there will be a barrier to understanding. This is a common problem within organisations and one that can be easily solved if we take the time to listen. This may sound a simple solution nevertheless very few of us listen effectively and sometimes this can lead to conflict.
Each one of us uses a representational system to communicate with the most common systems being Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic (vision, hearing and touch). What you will find is that if you need to be in rapport with someone it really helps if you can speak their language. For example if someone is visual they will use references that will be associated with vision like, “I see what you mean”, “you are being very short sighted” and they will paint a picture when they describe situations giving you really specific details. In order to communicate effectively with a visual person there will be times when you will have to mirror this language for example during coaching sessions, annual appraisals and when you want to persuade someone to understand your point of view.
If you are communicating with an auditory person you will find references to hearing in their language. For example “listen to me”, “clear as a bell”, “I dropped a clanger” etc. Now, if your own representational system is visual and you use visual references when speaking to an auditory person you will find that you may not always be in rapport with this person. However if you can change your own references to match theirs you will get responses like “I hear what you are saying” or “that sounds right” to indicate understanding.
The final example is the kinaesthetic person who will refer to feelings when communicating and will use words “like keep in touch”, “I feel terrible”, “this feels right” etc. As with the other two examples you will find it easier to communicate with this person if you can use their language for example “you will feel fantastic when you finish this project or “I feel very proud of your efforts this year”.
In summary communication works best when listening takes place. Start listening today and pick up as many referential systems as you can. Then see the results when you match the style of communication.
If you are interested in learning more about referential systems, read Words That Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence by Shelle Rose Charvet.
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